Just as you desire your husband to love you through his pursuit with words of affirmation, gifts, service, physical touch and time spent together, your husband also desires your love primarily through your willingness to allow him to be imperfect.
This means it is okay for him to do things imperfectly. So, you gotta tone down on some stuff. He doesn't have to be more efficient or do things more perfectly than he does right now. So, let him take 10 minutes longer to finish the dishes than he might be able to with a little help from you. Let him take that extra two or three turns to get to your destination because he missed the turn. Does it really matter that he doesn't fold the laundry the way you do, play with the kids more safely (especially the boys), or ask for help in the store when he can't find something. Does it really matter if he spends ten minutes longer to find something?
Okay, I know you are angry with me.
He's be writing all these blog entries that are making a lot of sense to me and then he goes and writes this piece of sh**. What's up?!
Look at what I said up above, "This means it is okay for him to do things imperfectly. So, you gotta tone down on some stuff." Tone down are the key words here. I'm not saying that wives aren't supposed to love us through helping us with things we could do better at, but what I am saying is that if corrections and suggestions are given on a regular basis, then you're gonna lose your man. He'll check out and go silent. Period. He doesn't truly want to hurt you through his silence, but he doesn't know what else to do.
The reason for all of this is that since the fall of Adam and Eve, there is a primary question that men are always asking themselves, including me. "Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes?" This is the grid that we see life in. It doesn't excuse our sin, but it explains a lot of it.
So, the problem is that when you offer suggestion after suggestion, or correction after correction, then don't be surprised that your husband has interpreted this as, "She's right. I'm not good enough. I don't have what it takes."
The whole thing is messy, but the key is to love your husband by letting him be imperfect. If your husband sees you willingly making an effort to allow him to be imperfect, then two things will happen. First, when you choose to specifically offer a correction or a suggestion because it is something that is much more crucial than many of the other suggestions that ran through your mind, then he will be more likely to listen. Due to your prior respect for his boundaries, he will listen to your words more carefully. Second, as he feels respected and well-thought of, he will begin to love you more. He will begin to listen to your requests for words of affirmation, service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
Let's get personal here. Last night, my wife and I sat down to go over the finances. We do this about once a week and it is always difficult. During our evening, my wife had some hard things to say to me about the way I was approaching the whole thing and expressed to me that she felt like she wasn't being heard. To be honest, it was really hard for me even to stay in the room with her. I wanted to retreat, check out, and find a nice safe place in silence. I didn't believe her. I didn't want to stay engaged.
But, I knew that my wife respected me.
I knew that she didn't think I was an idiot when it came to finances. I knew that she tried to engage with me mutually instead of telling me what to do on the whole.
Photo by Samuel Zeller on Unsplash
Photo by Samuel Zeller on Unsplash